Let it go

It’s pretty crazy how far I’ve come from where I was when I first started therapy. I would obsess over everything, from school to boys, boyfriends, what everyone was thinking and if I was the burden I believed myself to be. Now I’m in probably one of the most stressful positions I could be in and I’m ok. I don’t have a job and bills are coming in I can’t pay. I’m repeating phase 1 which adds another three weeks to my schooling which means an extra three weeks until I can start looking for a job and be able to pay the debt that’s piling up.

I found out someone doesn’t like me here. I had an idea there was something weird happening because it felt like there was some awkward tension between the two of us. I felt like we were on ice, and too far in or pressure would crack it. We were assigned into the same group which meant we would have to pair together at some point that week. I instantly dreaded it but at the same time thought maybe it would be a good thing. So that day came and I made the first move. She said a person in our group who hadn’t made it in yet was on their way and she had already agreed to pair with him. But if he took a while then she would pair with me.
So I was standing around, doing nothing when someone asked if I was pairing today. I said “To be determined.” She was sitting right there so I know she heard. I went to the bathroom and when I came back she was talking to another guy in our phase who happened to have the same name as the guy in our group who was supposedly coming. You can guess what happened right? She paired with him, a guy not in our group rather than pair with me. She gets along with my aunt great, by the way. They paired and the two of them get along perfectly. I definitely felt the snub and confirmation that I was not liked.
We had this empathy session though and it just so happened we were randomly in the same group. And wouldn’t you know the talk was about boundaries and why we have them, what it takes to move between them, etc. It turns out she’s very particular about who she befriends and once she feels you’re not acceptable then that’s just it. I tend to wait until someone does something… And apparently she’s having some serious stuff happening right now and what not and after hearing that and getting out some info about myself I felt better.
It’s totally fine if she doesn’t like me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m more wondering, am I the only one who feels it? Or do others found unworthy feel the same thing?

I’m trying to let it go and I’m better off now than I was because she’s moving forward while I’m behind. We’ll be in two different phases and will be less together than we were… which wasn’t much, but she’ll be on the other side of the room. I really need to let this go.

Maybe I haven’t come as far as I was…

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No Idea

Well, that was fast. I probably should have waited until I received some feedback from our instructors before believing I was doing well because it turns out I am doing very, very poorly.

I thought I finished our check-point assessment (progress report, w/e) but it turns out I didn’t. This is due partly to not reading as carefully as I should have but I also thought a something meant one thing when it totally doesn’t. Which explains why one part didn’t make sense to me. I of course did not ask for help (which I totally could have) but left it as is, figuring it was just finished code while it turns out it was something to delete when I finished…
Then today we’re learning something called Nokogiri and I, being all cocky after the assessment, just asked Jerry to send me a file of him using it for me to look at and didn’t even attempt to play with Nokogiri as I was told to do. And then I go solo when the teachers suggest we pair and it turns out I completely misunderstood everything.
I not only misunderstood why someone would use Nokogiri (there were far more applications than I originally thought) but I also misunderstood the instructions for today’s challenge when it seems everyone else did fine. I’m going around thinking I need to get an overview of a webpage one way and it turns out there is so much more to it and I need to write most of it myself and I still don’t know how I would have gotten that from the instructions but obviously everyone else did because they’ve all finished!

I am just so fucked. I can’t even focus on the assignment anymore I’m so down. All I can think about is how fucked I would be today if a few people hadn’t told me what to do when they probably shouldn’t have.

So I now have an ‘Inner Critic’ again (it was a psych lesson they did here), I’m anxious about my abilities, reading comprehension, understanding in general.
I just feel so sick right now.
I just needed to get that out. Maybe now that I have I can focus again and actually get something done.

Pressure

Who would have thought I could be good at school?

I’ve been here for a week and a half and my anxiety has yet to show up. Everyone around me is mentioning trying to finish the exercises (which we have been informed do not need to be finished) or they’re worried about the assessment (even though you can repeat, and just about every repeat says it’s awesome). I’m just.. hanging out.

And every time I try to write an article I find I don’t have anything to really write. The lack of pressure has me on cloud seven and the fact I’m learning and finishing exercises on my own boost me to cloud nine! It was actually pretty freaky at first. I started thinking I was in denial and I was, in fact, anxious. I was just, like, hiding it… from myself… because that’s possible…

At any rate, I thought for sure I was going to need to repeat but after my checkpoint assessment I think I’m fine.

Mental Illness in Programming

Here I am, finishing my third day on DevBootcamp’s Chicago campus. The main reason I’m still here is it’s pouring outside and I don’t have an umbrella.

Yesterday my group met the in-house counselor. She was leading a special session we apparently have every Tuesday morning. This one was about feedback and empathy. Anyway, she seems pretty cool.

So one of the main reasons we have a counselor paid to be here is this place breaks you. I’ve been coding for 12 hours and I have so many challenges not finished, some not even started. It’s expected students will have to come in over the weekend to finish assignments from the week before. That, along with our weekend prep work for the coming week. Coding can be extremely frustrating.

The other reason surprised me. During my tour of the campus/office, I was told many people who go into programming suffer from mental illnesses. I was pretty surprised though I could understand anxiety perhaps. While I’ve been here I’ve learned a few others here who suffer from mental illnesses, including an instructor.

I suppose this influx of mental illness sufferers may explain all the required down time, forced pairing, community feel, no pressure atmosphere tech companies seem to be going for. I’m sitting next to a hammock. I would be in it right now if I were still able to type. And if I didn’t think I would fall asleep.

Ugh. And you’re not allowed to sleep here too! Slumber party opportunity denied!!

Cookies

My aunt and sister didn’t know I was awake in my room playing Alphabear (Have you played? Aren’t they adorable?!) when I heard my name mentioned. Stacey was talking about how she felt awful even though she had exercised and had a general good day. That’s when Aunt Joy blamed the cookies and as I laid there eating the last few cookies in my bag I had to agree.

I buy about two bags of eighteen chocolate chip cookies from Jewel-Osco’s bakery every three days. No, I’m not choking. And that particular day it was all I had eaten and was finally sick of them. The main reason I eat so much of them is that I can take them upstairs with me. Downstairs Aunt Joy is blasting the very distracting TV and giving me this panic-y feeling. The floor is one giant room that happens to include the kitchen so I don’t have peace to cook. So I just eat whatever I can pop in my mouth. I could totally say something to her about this but since she and I are already strained thanks to my depression and poor choices regarding chores, I don’t.

But she’s totally right, what you eat definitely affects your energy level, mood, and overall health so I’m going along with the ban on cookies… Last night I ate dinner at 10:40PM because that’s when Aunt Joy turned off the TV and went to bed. I shouldn’t have too many problems with this in the future though. Starting Monday I will be training on DevBootcamp’s campus (a programming language training program) from 9AM to 5PM at least. They say many stay later because of how frustrating the work can be so I’ll probably end up eating dinner in the surrounding area from now on and my eating environment will be the least of my concerns compared to the frustrating and never-ending feeling I’ll have while learning to program.

Self-Sabotage

I hate this. This has to be the worst part about depression. I am constantly making things worse for myself, life harder for myself, and sometimes it feels like I can’t stop. And people who don’t have depression don’t understand you’re struggling since they think you have total control over it. Well, according to this post from that resilient blog I linked earlier, it is.

She wrote down every way she was self-sabotaging herself and made an effort to keep those thoughts out.

I suppose I don’t keep those thoughts out as much as I try to stop thinking. Or I start arguing with it. Depression wins more than I’d like to admit, but perhaps if I wrote all the thoughts down ahead of time, I could stop looking at them as actual thoughts and more phrases or beliefs I’ve heard others say. I mean, it really does feel like I’m arguing with someone else half the time when these things come up. If it’s not me thinking them, if it’s not what I believe, then what do I care? They can think I’m shit for all I care; they aren’t me. They’re choices don’t affect my life on possible mind-blowing ways.

It’s a bit ironic. I’m afraid of failing but not at the same time. I’ve failed so much by my own hand it’s not so scary. Not much happens. Only if I’m failing me though. If I fail me then I don’t care but if I fail someone else it’s gut-wrenching. How do you start caring about failing yourself when not much has ever happened when you do?

…. I feel like there’s something there… something has happened and I just glance over it… maybe I should write a list about that.

Fight vs Make Peace?

This article showed up on my Pinterest and it got me thinking a bit. It was about how we view our depression and perhaps changing the words we use concerning it. Like saying we’re “fighting depression.” Fighting is exhausting… and it’s not like we’re going to win. Sure, the drugs help a lot but there can be bad days. That would make this a war with a battle everyday. That sounds accurate enough but what if we took a different approach? What if we dealt with it as we would any other illness, or perhaps, how we should deal with other illnesses. I know parents don’t get sick days, and even those who aren’t parents continue to go to work. I believe, correct me if I’m wrong, you’re supposed to listen to your body and do what it’s telling you. If it’s exhausted, take a nap. If you feel like you’re going to throw up, stop eating that thing (or drinking)!

When I was fifteen I cut myself. Well, I called it “clawing” because I never bled and sometimes used my nails. I typically used a hair-clip like the one in the photo. Anyway, once the red marks started sticking around longer and I realized someone might find out I started trying to understand what was triggering this compulsion. I started paying more attention to what I was thinking and feeling and when these were occurring, which is kind of what she says in the post.

Although I agree ‘fight’ might not be the right word, I don’t think ‘making peace’ is either. My new medication is finally working and I have no problems going outside or doing what I need to do anymore. Have I made peace with my depression? No… I still hate it. I wouldn’t say I’ve accepted it either. I just deal with it when it arises and otherwise forget about it. Is there a better way to put that?