I hate this. This has to be the worst part about depression. I am constantly making things worse for myself, life harder for myself, and sometimes it feels like I can’t stop. And people who don’t have depression don’t understand you’re struggling since they think you have total control over it. Well, according to this post from that resilient blog I linked earlier, it is.
She wrote down every way she was self-sabotaging herself and made an effort to keep those thoughts out.
I suppose I don’t keep those thoughts out as much as I try to stop thinking. Or I start arguing with it. Depression wins more than I’d like to admit, but perhaps if I wrote all the thoughts down ahead of time, I could stop looking at them as actual thoughts and more phrases or beliefs I’ve heard others say. I mean, it really does feel like I’m arguing with someone else half the time when these things come up. If it’s not me thinking them, if it’s not what I believe, then what do I care? They can think I’m shit for all I care; they aren’t me. They’re choices don’t affect my life on possible mind-blowing ways.
It’s a bit ironic. I’m afraid of failing but not at the same time. I’ve failed so much by my own hand it’s not so scary. Not much happens. Only if I’m failing me though. If I fail me then I don’t care but if I fail someone else it’s gut-wrenching. How do you start caring about failing yourself when not much has ever happened when you do?
…. I feel like there’s something there… something has happened and I just glance over it… maybe I should write a list about that.