It’s pretty crazy how far I’ve come from where I was when I first started therapy. I would obsess over everything, from school to boys, boyfriends, what everyone was thinking and if I was the burden I believed myself to be. Now I’m in probably one of the most stressful positions I could be in and I’m ok. I don’t have a job and bills are coming in I can’t pay. I’m repeating phase 1 which adds another three weeks to my schooling which means an extra three weeks until I can start looking for a job and be able to pay the debt that’s piling up.
I found out someone doesn’t like me here. I had an idea there was something weird happening because it felt like there was some awkward tension between the two of us. I felt like we were on ice, and too far in or pressure would crack it. We were assigned into the same group which meant we would have to pair together at some point that week. I instantly dreaded it but at the same time thought maybe it would be a good thing. So that day came and I made the first move. She said a person in our group who hadn’t made it in yet was on their way and she had already agreed to pair with him. But if he took a while then she would pair with me.
So I was standing around, doing nothing when someone asked if I was pairing today. I said “To be determined.” She was sitting right there so I know she heard. I went to the bathroom and when I came back she was talking to another guy in our phase who happened to have the same name as the guy in our group who was supposedly coming. You can guess what happened right? She paired with him, a guy not in our group rather than pair with me. She gets along with my aunt great, by the way. They paired and the two of them get along perfectly. I definitely felt the snub and confirmation that I was not liked.
We had this empathy session though and it just so happened we were randomly in the same group. And wouldn’t you know the talk was about boundaries and why we have them, what it takes to move between them, etc. It turns out she’s very particular about who she befriends and once she feels you’re not acceptable then that’s just it. I tend to wait until someone does something… And apparently she’s having some serious stuff happening right now and what not and after hearing that and getting out some info about myself I felt better.
It’s totally fine if she doesn’t like me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m more wondering, am I the only one who feels it? Or do others found unworthy feel the same thing?
I’m trying to let it go and I’m better off now than I was because she’s moving forward while I’m behind. We’ll be in two different phases and will be less together than we were… which wasn’t much, but she’ll be on the other side of the room. I really need to let this go.
Maybe I haven’t come as far as I was…