No Idea

Well, that was fast. I probably should have waited until I received some feedback from our instructors before believing I was doing well because it turns out I am doing very, very poorly.

I thought I finished our check-point assessment (progress report, w/e) but it turns out I didn’t. This is due partly to not reading as carefully as I should have but I also thought a something meant one thing when it totally doesn’t. Which explains why one part didn’t make sense to me. I of course did not ask for help (which I totally could have) but left it as is, figuring it was just finished code while it turns out it was something to delete when I finished…
Then today we’re learning something called Nokogiri and I, being all cocky after the assessment, just asked Jerry to send me a file of him using it for me to look at and didn’t even attempt to play with Nokogiri as I was told to do. And then I go solo when the teachers suggest we pair and it turns out I completely misunderstood everything.
I not only misunderstood why someone would use Nokogiri (there were far more applications than I originally thought) but I also misunderstood the instructions for today’s challenge when it seems everyone else did fine. I’m going around thinking I need to get an overview of a webpage one way and it turns out there is so much more to it and I need to write most of it myself and I still don’t know how I would have gotten that from the instructions but obviously everyone else did because they’ve all finished!

I am just so fucked. I can’t even focus on the assignment anymore I’m so down. All I can think about is how fucked I would be today if a few people hadn’t told me what to do when they probably shouldn’t have.

So I now have an ‘Inner Critic’ again (it was a psych lesson they did here), I’m anxious about my abilities, reading comprehension, understanding in general.
I just feel so sick right now.
I just needed to get that out. Maybe now that I have I can focus again and actually get something done.

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Mental Illness in Programming

Here I am, finishing my third day on DevBootcamp’s Chicago campus. The main reason I’m still here is it’s pouring outside and I don’t have an umbrella.

Yesterday my group met the in-house counselor. She was leading a special session we apparently have every Tuesday morning. This one was about feedback and empathy. Anyway, she seems pretty cool.

So one of the main reasons we have a counselor paid to be here is this place breaks you. I’ve been coding for 12 hours and I have so many challenges not finished, some not even started. It’s expected students will have to come in over the weekend to finish assignments from the week before. That, along with our weekend prep work for the coming week. Coding can be extremely frustrating.

The other reason surprised me. During my tour of the campus/office, I was told many people who go into programming suffer from mental illnesses. I was pretty surprised though I could understand anxiety perhaps. While I’ve been here I’ve learned a few others here who suffer from mental illnesses, including an instructor.

I suppose this influx of mental illness sufferers may explain all the required down time, forced pairing, community feel, no pressure atmosphere tech companies seem to be going for. I’m sitting next to a hammock. I would be in it right now if I were still able to type. And if I didn’t think I would fall asleep.

Ugh. And you’re not allowed to sleep here too! Slumber party opportunity denied!!